Ginny and Lorraine review 50 Shades of Grey

We've read it and your mom has probably read it and if you're thinking of reading it maybe you should read this review first. If we can save hours of your life we sure as hell are going to try.

I have asked Lorraine of Late to the Party to help me in writing this summary of the worst piece of literature ever written: 50 Shades of Grey. If you'd like to read her amazing chapter by chapter recaps check out Snark Squad Culture.

Plot

Ginny: So the plot.....well this was originally written as a Twillight fanfic entitled "Master of the Universe." I think the plot is sex. Sex and things that are not sexy.

Lor: LOL. Plot. As meager and unlikely as it is, the plot would probably be summarized thus: take the hottest man in the world, and match his hotness with the amount of mommy issues he has. Introduce that man to a woman with the lowest self esteem of life. Make the fight and have sex. The end.

Anastasia Steele

Ginny: A 21 year old virgin (of course....) who we are suppose to believe is sexy. Spends most of her time mumbling, bumbling, tripping and vomiting. Acts like a 16 year old which makes sense because she is based on Bella Swan from Twilight. Somehow Ana is more annoying than Bella. At least Bella didn't mention her inner goddess every other paragraph. My inner goddess is bashing my head against my desk.

Lor: I do realize that Ana Steele is a fictional character, but I'm pretty sure I hate her anyways. Aside from being the worst friend of all time, incredibly whiny and robbed of any self worth, she's also our narrator. Do you know what it's like to have a narrator who is dumb as rocks? We spent a lot of time having to hear her complain about why Grey would even like her and blah blah wah wah wah. No one cares, Ana. You suck.

Ginny: As someone who's read Twilight, I am taking the most whiny annoying narrator crown and giving it to Ana Steele. Sorry Bella, you've been dethroned.

Christian Grey

Ginny: A very wealthy dude who every woman wants. Of course he only wants Ana because she's just so hot falling all over the place and puking by his feet. Like Edward Cullen he plays the piano and talks like he's from the 1800s. He out Edward Cullens Edward Cullen in the old tyme talk department. Likes whips, chains and forcing Ana to eat her food.

Lor: Christian Grey is also creepy as hell. Seriously, seriously, I stalked your entire life/ I know you blood type and your social security/ I might put you in the trunk of my car, creepy. I don't see how women are falling over themselves for him, because he's generally characterized very blatantly as a bi-polar mess of a man. I mean, the entire title of the book is based on how he's "fifty shades of fucked up" but somehow, people all over the world find this appealing.

I think it's the sex. 

Ginny: I don't find stalkers sexy. Tracking her cell phone to find the bar she's at? Give me a break. That is not normal! And yet somehow, Ana still is unsure if he likes her. Also, the whole no touching me thing because I have mommy issues is weird. Are we suppose to feel bad for him?

The good

Ginny: This is going to be hard to write because there isn't much good. I suppose the sex scenes aren't bad. You could probably skip every part of the book that is not a sex scene.

Lor: Ugh. Do I have to? Fine. The emails back and forth between Grey and Ana. It gave me the term "shouty capitals" which is ironically what I feel like using any time I'm talking about this book.

Ginny: You know why I liked the emails. Because they were short!! Less writing means less crap!

The bad

 
Ginny: This could get long. Let's start with the dialogue. How many times can someone actually use medulla oblongata?

Lor: The dialogue was pathetic. These college age students are talking to each other like senior citizens saying thinks like "way to go" and "nice young man. Everyone refers to each other by their full names. No one ever says anything; the murmur, whisper or breathe things.

And the dialogue was just a little pieces of the crappy over all writing style.

Ginny: Not only referring to people by their first and last names but their middle names too! No one does this. And if any guy used my full name during sexy times I think I'd crack up which would probably kill the mood.

Final thoughts

Ginny: Ana Steele and Christian Grey are two characters that I could not care less what happens to them. They both seem so unrealistic to me, especially Ana. With any luck she'll off her self in the last book by forgetting to breathe.

Lor: I can't even say that this book was one of those good-bad-books or a guilty pleasure. It's terribly written and it's a BOOK. Even if you managed to look past that, you get nothing more than bad characters, unlikely circumstances, a flimsy plot and mom porn.

No thanks books 2 and 3. No thanks. 
 
Ginny: Usually I'll still check out books 2 and 3 in a series just to finish it and know what happens. Not going to happen this time. I can't subject myself to any more Shades of Grey. I'm pretty sure reading the 1st book gave me shingles.

Favorite Books of 2011

If you read my blog you know I'm a big fan of YA books and that's pretty much all I read this year. I'll try to mix it up in 2012. Suggestions are always welcome.

Matched and Crossed by Ally Condie: Second hardest love triangle I've read in a YA series. What I mean by that is that I liked both male characters and had a hard time choosing my favorite. I enjoyed the second book (Crossed) better than Matched. More action and I felt more of a connection to the characters. One thing that sticks out in my mind in this series is the government picking which art, poems and music that was to be saved from history. Anything beyond what was picked out by the government was destroyed. The thought of this makes me incredibly sad.

Clockwork Angel and Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare: This would be the YA series with the hardest love triangle. I was dying by the end of the second book. I love the Victorian setting, the characters and the dialogue. I found myself laughing out loud at the dialogue which does not happen often. But Will or Jem? Don't make me pick, I love them both!

Season of Passage by Christopher Pike: One of Pike's adult novels. This book is creepy. I would read it and just feel alone and scared and started picturing myself in the characters situation. I had to put it aside a few times and couldn't read it at night. Astronauts exploring in space where nothing is going as planned and people start losing their mind. I'd love to see this made into a movie, it has Ridley Scott all over it.

Unwind by Neal Shusterman: There was a war. The sides were pro-life and pro-choice. The outcome that ended the war is pretty horrifying. One of the most powerful sections in this book was from the view point of a boy going through the unwinding process. I read that section so many times because it was just so horrifying and sad.

The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan: Love triangle, zombies, a little bit of the Village thrown in. The two follow up books are also quite good.

Divergent by Veronica Roth: No love triangle in this one but that doesn't mean there isn't a bit of romance. I love how strong the main female character is. Teens get shot, beat up and one commits suicide. A more adult YA read.

Mortal Instrument Series by Cassandra Clare: I read all of these books except for the most recent. As I mentioned above I am a fan of Clare's dialogue. The end of the first book had me flipping the hell out but that made me read the other books as soon as possible. Oh you're sneaky Clare. The world Clare created seems well thought out and there are many characters that I love in this series.

Creeeepy with a capital C

Blogger is annoying my right now.  I post a picture on my blog and then a day later the picture doesn't show up.  What gives blogger?

I spent Saturday at a lake house in Western Mass for Meg's 30th birthday.  I ate too much, got tossed out of a tube and played some badminton.   A successful lake day.  Sunday I slept in and met up with Melissa for lunch.  The topic of discussion was mostly the state of our dating lives.  Things are getting interesting around these parts.  That's all I'll say about that.

I didn't sleep well last night.  The book I'm reading is giving me nightmares!  I tend to get really involved in books.  I also have really intense vivid dreams that I remember.  This is not always the best combination.  The cause of my restless nights:

The Season of Passage is one of Christopher Pike's adult novels and let me say it is Creeeeeeepy with a capital C.  I'm not a big fan of blood and gore horror whether it be books or movies.  I like suspense and mystery, something that leaves you feeling unsettled.  Considering I can't read this book before bed I think I'm feeling thoroughly unsettled.

I have some fun things planned for the rest of this week so let's get past this rainy Monday and onward towards the fun stuff!