Tuesday, May 3, 2011

McGriddle Pants makes it through Crossroads with both eyes intact

Hiyoooooooo its McGriddle Pants here, bringing you a classic cinematic review for your reading pleasure. This month’s Horrible Movie Blog Ring genre is “Movies with Pop Stars”.

Most movies are made because someone has a good idea or an interesting story to tell. Pop star movies are made because there’s a pop star around and someone realized that they could make money by building a story around them. Very few of these movies are any good, but they do a great job of exposing your favorite [or least favorite] stars by foolishly putting them out there for ridicule, like a defenseless deer wandering out into an open field during hunting season.

And in the face of such cinematic gold, I chose Crossroads starring Miss Brittney Spears. I know, I know, I could have gone the easy route and chosen Gigli (or as I pronounce it, Giggley) or Glitter, but I stuck with a classic chick flick romp! And this is one hot mess of a chick flick, y’all. But in all honesty you have to give pre-crazy Britney Spears credit for attempting an acting career. And she’s probably a better actress than Mariah Carey was in Glitter. Which as we all know isn’t saying much.

I actually saw this at the theater years ago because I had this friend who was obsessed with Britney, and insisted that we go. It wasn’t all bad, Britney is actually fairly charming and has at least one more facial expression than Mariah.

So in all fairness, I sat down to watch this again for posterity. THANK GOD it was on demand on Netflix so it cost me nothing. Since I’m having a hard time being composing thoughts recently, I’ll give you the play by play.

1:37 - 1:45 Previews.
1:47 Ad for Britney's latest album, Britney. Of course, I already own it.
1:49 There’s a message from the MPAA promising a PG-13 rating with "Sexual Content and Teen Drinking." Now we're talking!
1:51 There are three girls on the screen who promise to be best friends forever. YAY!
1:52 Britney dances to Madonna in her bedroom. She's wearing a camisole and panties! Oh no, now she's putting on pants.
1:57 Noticing that we haven't heard any Britney music yet.
1:58 Second scene in which Britney is wearing pink bra and panties and is about to lose her virginity with her lab partner. Less than ten minutes in and this movie is looking like a skin flick.
1:59 Britney isn't going to go through with it. How sad for lab partner guy. He gets so close to the sun, like Icarus.
2:00 - 2:06 Plot blah blah plot plot. The three friends reunite and decide to go on a road trip.
2:09 Token love interest refers to his car as "the cruiser." I'm liking him less and less, if that's possible.
2:14 Britney in the shower!
2:15 Britney wears a lot of pink in this movie.
2:16 AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL ALERT: One of Britney's friends is pregnant. For shame.
2:18 We're still sans Britney music. Akward interaction between Briney and love interest. dammit. He obviously does not own a razor. I'm going to start calling him Stubby.
2:20 Britney says "bitch" and "damn." I'm scandalized!
2:30 An overzealous suitor gets fresh with Britney and Stubby punches him out. It would have been a stroke of genius to have this guy played by Justin Timberlake. You hate a wasted opportunity like that.
2:31 - 2:36 As promised, teen drinking. But wait a minute, isn't one of them pregnant?
2:37 Stubby takes his shirt off to reveal tattoos on his back. Oh he's so dreamy (insert sarcastic tone).
2:40 Some classic over-acting from Stubby.
2:42 Not only does Stubby manage to maintain a permanent 5 o'clock shadow (he must have a beard trimmer set to "mildly rugged") but he insists on wearing a stocking cap, in Texas, in the middle of June. Is this really necessary? Okay, shhhhhhhh! He's going to tell us why he really went to jail…
2:43 That was so lame!!! Is it just me or is Stubby RUINING THE MOVIE?!?
11:01 Britney, wet from the rain and emotionally distraught seeks comfort in his Stubby's arms.
2:54 Stubby sits in an atrium type area at a white piano. Is he John Lennon? Stop right now!
2:59 They're at the beach. Britney is in a bikini and a quirky little hat.
3:01 I just realized I don't know any of the character's names.
3:19 The three girls reaffirm their promise to be friends forever. I want to see a sequel where Britney has become tired of Stubby's irresponsibility and has grown away from her friends again.
3:20 Britney performs Overprotected (finally!) as the credits roll. Oh wait, yes, we've got the Purple Rain frozen frame for the end. Kudos to the filmmakers for that. Shout out to Shelly!

Thank you so much for reviewing Crossroads so I never ever have to watch it.  Or I can fast forward to where Brit sings Overproteced.  Check out my review of Shanghai Surprise at Late to the party!

3 comments:

  1. Ohhh wow. Highlights of your play-by-play:

    1:59 Britney isn't going to go through with it. How sad for lab partner guy. He gets so close to the sun, like Icarus.

    2:30 An overzealous suitor gets fresh with Britney and Stubby punches him out. It would have been a stroke of genius to have this guy played by Justin Timberlake. You hate a wasted opportunity like that.

    2:31 - 2:36 As promised, teen drinking. But wait a minute, isn't one of them pregnant?

    2:42 Not only does Stubby manage to maintain a permanent 5 o'clock shadow (he must have a beard trimmer set to "mildly rugged") but he insists on wearing a stocking cap, in Texas, in the middle of June. Is this really necessary? Okay, shhhhhhhh! He's going to tell us why he really went to jail…

    So funny! I'm happy someone did a Crossroad's review! Good job! XD

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  2. I am SO HAPPY you reviewed Crossroads. I was really hoping somebody would. The absolute best part was when you watched the whole movie without knowing any of the character's names. Also:

    1:59 Britney isn't going to go through with it. How sad for lab partner guy. He gets so close to the sun, like Icarus.

    Why do you not get paid for this???

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  3. I saw this movie in theaters because I'm all about some Britney. The theater was packed. I think people from Louisiana felt like they had to go see it on principle.

    Overall, THAT MOVIE IS AWESOME. I will watch it every single time I see it on tv.

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