Friday, July 15, 2011

The difference

I don't normally write a blog post in response to a blog post.  But since the blog I'm responding to has comments turned off I'm going to share my thoughts here.

The post I'm referring to is I Should Only Have to Say No Once.

The part that bothered me is this:

A blog post I read recently on Fem 2.0 asserts that there's a thin line between forcing a woman to have sex and pressuring her to have sex. Everybody has an idea in their heads of, for lack of a better term, "the perfect rape." It's one where a helpless woman gets dragged into an alley by a shadowy stranger who beats her into submission and penetrates her while she's kicking, scratching and screaming her head off.

But it's just so much more of a gray area than that. A woman who says "no" 30 times and eventually acquiesces to sex because it's apparent "no" is just not being heard by this guy has been no less violated than the woman in the alley.

My issue with this comment is the comparison to saying no 30 times and eventually giving in is the same as a woman being dragged into an alley and being brutally raped.

There is a huge difference.  The woman who was dragged into an alley did not get the chance to say no 30 times.  She had no choice.  She did not say no and then decide to let him have sex with her anyways. See that word decide?  And that other word choice?  That is where the line is.

I've been in that situation.  You're outside your house after you go on a date and you're ready to go home.  Your date keeps insisting that you let him come in, that it will be fun, that he's a nice guy, don't worry about it, whatever other excuse they try to throw at you.  And you know what I did?  I said no.  Then I said it again and again and AGAIN then I walked into my house and never spoke to the guy again.

I had a choice and I didn't give in.  If you are in that situation please do not just give in.  I don't care how many times you have to say no.  I wouldn't let a guy ask me 30 times.  I would have left, kicked him out or called the cops if he refused to leave.

Guys who pressure girls into sex are assholes and if you say no 30 times or however many times they should not have sex with you.  There is no debating that that is wrong.  But you can't put that on the same level as violent rape.


  1. Ugh, date rape is just as prevalent and scary as "perfect" rape (why this word choice!?)

    I'd take it a step further and make sure you hop a cab right outside the venue you're at with a guy, don't let him walk you home, he wants you to think he's chivalrous in doing so, but he's trying to get in your place/pants.

    If you're not feeling him by the end of a date, don't let him find out where you live by letting him walk you home.

    The scariest thing working at strip clubs was guys lurking outside after they closed. They'd think we wanted to hang out after hours and one girl I heard of was gang raped after going off with a group of guys. Usually it was cause they were too cheap to spend in the club, but some had bad intentions. I became very chummy with lots of cab drivers, they were essentially like security guards I had to thank for making it home safe.

  2. To have sex with a guy "just to shut him up" is weak. Have some self confidence. He's probably just as tired of hearing "no" as you are saying it. Either walk away or just keep saying no. Self respect. Have some.

    ...I'd say this on her blog but I can't seem to comment?

  3. Gin, you are completely right.

    If a guy is pressuring you to have sex, keep saying no. No matter how many times it takes. Eventually he'll get tired. Giving in is not an option.

  4. I'm glad you guys understand my point.