I have asked Lorraine of Late to the Party to help me in writing this summary of the worst piece of literature ever written: 50 Shades of Grey. If you'd like to read her amazing chapter by chapter recaps check out Snark Squad Culture.
Ginny: So the plot.....well this was originally written as a Twillight fanfic entitled "Master of the Universe." I think the plot is sex. Sex and things that are not sexy.
Lor: LOL. Plot. As meager and unlikely as it is, the plot would probably be summarized thus: take the hottest man in the world, and match his hotness with the amount of mommy issues he has. Introduce that man to a woman with the lowest self esteem of life. Make the fight and have sex. The end.
Lor: I do realize that Ana Steele is a fictional character, but I'm pretty sure I hate her anyways. Aside from being the worst friend of all time, incredibly whiny and robbed of any self worth, she's also our narrator. Do you know what it's like to have a narrator who is dumb as rocks? We spent a lot of time having to hear her complain about why Grey would even like her and blah blah wah wah wah. No one cares, Ana. You suck.
Ginny: As someone who's read Twilight, I am taking the most whiny annoying narrator crown and giving it to Ana Steele. Sorry Bella, you've been dethroned.
Ginny: A very wealthy dude who every woman wants. Of course he only wants Ana because she's just so hot falling all over the place and puking by his feet. Like Edward Cullen he plays the piano and talks like he's from the 1800s. He out Edward Cullens Edward Cullen in the old tyme talk department. Likes whips, chains and forcing Ana to eat her food.
Lor: Christian Grey is also creepy as hell. Seriously, seriously, I stalked your entire life/ I know you blood type and your social security/ I might put you in the trunk of my car, creepy. I don't see how women are falling over themselves for him, because he's generally characterized very blatantly as a bi-polar mess of a man. I mean, the entire title of the book is based on how he's "fifty shades of fucked up" but somehow, people all over the world find this appealing.
I think it's the sex.
Ginny: I don't find stalkers sexy. Tracking her cell phone to find the bar she's at? Give me a break. That is not normal! And yet somehow, Ana still is unsure if he likes her. Also, the whole no touching me thing because I have mommy issues is weird. Are we suppose to feel bad for him?
Ginny: This is going to be hard to write because there isn't much good. I suppose the sex scenes aren't bad. You could probably skip every part of the book that is not a sex scene.
Lor: Ugh. Do I have to? Fine. The emails back and forth between Grey and Ana. It gave me the term "shouty capitals" which is ironically what I feel like using any time I'm talking about this book.
Ginny: You know why I liked the emails. Because they were short!! Less writing means less crap!
Ginny: This could get long. Let's start with the dialogue. How many times can someone actually use medulla oblongata?
Lor: The dialogue was pathetic. These college age students are talking to each other like senior citizens saying thinks like "way to go" and "nice young man. Everyone refers to each other by their full names. No one ever says anything; the murmur, whisper or breathe things.
And the dialogue was just a little pieces of the crappy over all writing style.
Ginny: Not only referring to people by their first and last names but their middle names too! No one does this. And if any guy used my full name during sexy times I think I'd crack up which would probably kill the mood.
Ginny: Ana Steele and Christian Grey are two characters that I could not care less what happens to them. They both seem so unrealistic to me, especially Ana. With any luck she'll off her self in the last book by forgetting to breathe.
Lor: I can't even say that this book was one of those good-bad-books or a guilty pleasure. It's terribly written and it's a BOOK. Even if you managed to look past that, you get nothing more than bad characters, unlikely circumstances, a flimsy plot and mom porn.
No thanks books 2 and 3. No thanks.
Ginny: Usually I'll still check out books 2 and 3 in a series just to finish it and know what happens. Not going to happen this time. I can't subject myself to any more Shades of Grey. I'm pretty sure reading the 1st book gave me shingles.