Ginny and Lorraine review 50 Shades of Grey

We've read it and your mom has probably read it and if you're thinking of reading it maybe you should read this review first. If we can save hours of your life we sure as hell are going to try.

I have asked Lorraine of Late to the Party to help me in writing this summary of the worst piece of literature ever written: 50 Shades of Grey. If you'd like to read her amazing chapter by chapter recaps check out Snark Squad Culture.

Plot

Ginny: So the plot.....well this was originally written as a Twillight fanfic entitled "Master of the Universe." I think the plot is sex. Sex and things that are not sexy.

Lor: LOL. Plot. As meager and unlikely as it is, the plot would probably be summarized thus: take the hottest man in the world, and match his hotness with the amount of mommy issues he has. Introduce that man to a woman with the lowest self esteem of life. Make the fight and have sex. The end.

Anastasia Steele

Ginny: A 21 year old virgin (of course....) who we are suppose to believe is sexy. Spends most of her time mumbling, bumbling, tripping and vomiting. Acts like a 16 year old which makes sense because she is based on Bella Swan from Twilight. Somehow Ana is more annoying than Bella. At least Bella didn't mention her inner goddess every other paragraph. My inner goddess is bashing my head against my desk.

Lor: I do realize that Ana Steele is a fictional character, but I'm pretty sure I hate her anyways. Aside from being the worst friend of all time, incredibly whiny and robbed of any self worth, she's also our narrator. Do you know what it's like to have a narrator who is dumb as rocks? We spent a lot of time having to hear her complain about why Grey would even like her and blah blah wah wah wah. No one cares, Ana. You suck.

Ginny: As someone who's read Twilight, I am taking the most whiny annoying narrator crown and giving it to Ana Steele. Sorry Bella, you've been dethroned.

Christian Grey

Ginny: A very wealthy dude who every woman wants. Of course he only wants Ana because she's just so hot falling all over the place and puking by his feet. Like Edward Cullen he plays the piano and talks like he's from the 1800s. He out Edward Cullens Edward Cullen in the old tyme talk department. Likes whips, chains and forcing Ana to eat her food.

Lor: Christian Grey is also creepy as hell. Seriously, seriously, I stalked your entire life/ I know you blood type and your social security/ I might put you in the trunk of my car, creepy. I don't see how women are falling over themselves for him, because he's generally characterized very blatantly as a bi-polar mess of a man. I mean, the entire title of the book is based on how he's "fifty shades of fucked up" but somehow, people all over the world find this appealing.

I think it's the sex. 

Ginny: I don't find stalkers sexy. Tracking her cell phone to find the bar she's at? Give me a break. That is not normal! And yet somehow, Ana still is unsure if he likes her. Also, the whole no touching me thing because I have mommy issues is weird. Are we suppose to feel bad for him?

The good

Ginny: This is going to be hard to write because there isn't much good. I suppose the sex scenes aren't bad. You could probably skip every part of the book that is not a sex scene.

Lor: Ugh. Do I have to? Fine. The emails back and forth between Grey and Ana. It gave me the term "shouty capitals" which is ironically what I feel like using any time I'm talking about this book.

Ginny: You know why I liked the emails. Because they were short!! Less writing means less crap!

The bad

 
Ginny: This could get long. Let's start with the dialogue. How many times can someone actually use medulla oblongata?

Lor: The dialogue was pathetic. These college age students are talking to each other like senior citizens saying thinks like "way to go" and "nice young man. Everyone refers to each other by their full names. No one ever says anything; the murmur, whisper or breathe things.

And the dialogue was just a little pieces of the crappy over all writing style.

Ginny: Not only referring to people by their first and last names but their middle names too! No one does this. And if any guy used my full name during sexy times I think I'd crack up which would probably kill the mood.

Final thoughts

Ginny: Ana Steele and Christian Grey are two characters that I could not care less what happens to them. They both seem so unrealistic to me, especially Ana. With any luck she'll off her self in the last book by forgetting to breathe.

Lor: I can't even say that this book was one of those good-bad-books or a guilty pleasure. It's terribly written and it's a BOOK. Even if you managed to look past that, you get nothing more than bad characters, unlikely circumstances, a flimsy plot and mom porn.

No thanks books 2 and 3. No thanks. 
 
Ginny: Usually I'll still check out books 2 and 3 in a series just to finish it and know what happens. Not going to happen this time. I can't subject myself to any more Shades of Grey. I'm pretty sure reading the 1st book gave me shingles.

The Last Vampire and why I'm glad I didn't read vampire books when I was in high school.

I read Christopher Pike's The Last Vampire over the weekend.  It was a quick read and I really enjoyed it.  I needed something good after the last book I read had a horribly disappointing ending.

I think it may be time to update the cover of this book though.

Sita is a fun character.  She kicks some ass and is pretty much like I'm a vampire, I kill people because I need to, whatever.  I'll be continuing the series.  I can only hope that the book art is just as fantastic on the next book.  Can someone tell me why Christopher Pike does not get the recognition he deserves?  He has some really good books.  If you don't believe me, check out the reviews on Amazon.com.  As we all know, people on the internet never lie.

I'm glad I didn't read vampire books like The Last Vampire and Twilight in high school because I would have been horribly disappointed when that new kid turned out to just be the new kid and not some vampire who has the hots for me.  One boy that had a crush on me is now in jail for stabbing someone twenty times over a cigarette.  Don't be jealous Bella Swan.

Love the One You're With

I enjoy Emily Griffin's writing but the ending of Love the One You're With drove me nuts.  Someone on Amazon said that this book should be called "Settling".  I would agree.  The only character I liked was Leo.  Ellen's husband Andy was boring and plain and I had no interest in his character.  Ellen is clearly still in love with Leo and thinks about him more than she thinks about her own husband.  She calls her relationship with Andy safe.  Who cares about passion when you have safe.  Obviously I'm team Leo.

Still better than most chick lit out there.  I enjoyed Emily Griffin's other books better especially Something Borrowed.

Gone

It's just the FAYZ man

As I've mentioned before I've been on a dytopian kick.  It's lasted for a good six months and it's still going strong.  My most recent read was Gone.  I picked this book up after seeing reviews that claimed it was like Lord of the Flies but with some paranormal elements to it.  It reminded me of Lost as well but instead of an island it's a giant bubble.  There's a lot going on and I had a lot of questions while reading but you slowly start getting answers.  Of course not everything is revealed or you wouldn't bother to continue the series.

There are some characters in this book that are pretty crazy and brutal.  I tried to think back to my classmates when I was 14 and I can't imagine them doing some of the things that happened in this book (encasing their classmates hands in cement and letting them starve).  I suppose part of the point of a book like Gone is that you don't know what kids would do in a situation like that.  No adults, and no idea how or way this situation is happening. 

At least they figured out how cement works and they manage to keep the McDonald's open.  Priorities!  I would need my french fries to survive something like this.

Onto the Lost comparison.  The main character Sam reminds me a lot of Jack - thrown into this situation that you have no control over and everyone is looking to you to be their leader.  You're not perfect, you're scared and you didn't ask to be a leader but you are.  Caine is like MIB as Locke.  He's a good speaker and a lot of the kids fall for his talk but he's just using them to get what he wants.  MIB wants off the island, Caine wants to beat the "poof" when he turns 15.  It's his way or you're in his way and he won't bat an eyelash when you're killed.

The paranormal element is interesting.  The animal and human mutations and what actually happens when you "poof".  I think it made the story much more interesting.

And it was not lost on me that one of the characters was named Caine.  Mr. Grant, you're not being sneaky with me.  I was onto that shit.  I can't say anymore because I might be giving something away.  I think I just kind of totally did though...

One of these days I'll stop referencing Lost, in like 10 years.  I almost referenced Passions but I thought that was crossing a line plus Passions has nothing to do with this book at all, I was just thinking about all the crazy paranormal crap that happened on that show and that was the reason why I watched it sometimes.  I mean dolls that were alive, and an evil baby with magical powers.  Good stuff!