I've been upstaged by the hand man

Last night I sang Gangsta's Paradise at a local bar. I thought I did pretty well, that is until "the hand man" went up. The hand man not only sings but makes farting noises with his hands during the instrumental breaks. How can I compete with that?

The hand man ended the night with the strangest version of Stairway to Heaven I've ever heard.

Seriously? I can't even...

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are engaged.

My brain is trying to process this but....does not compute. I think this is the universe playing some gigantic joke just to make me laugh. Good one.

First of all you should know I hate Nickelback. I mean I don't hate the actual people in the band but I hate Nickelback's music and I just can't take Chad Kroeger seriously. Maybe it's his blond highlights or his awful lyrics.

Second of all, Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner have matching tattoos which also makes me laugh because getting your boyfriend's or girlfriend's name tattooed on you is the dumbest thing in the world. This doesn't really have anything to do with her engagement to C. Kroeg. I just want to point out that she's a moron anyways.

I don't understand why celebrities feel the need to get engaged and married so quickly. Wasn't Avril just with Brody Jenner? I mean really. Calm it down and date a dude for two seconds.

And the worst part of this whole thing? They met while working on her new album. Chad is the musical devil and I'm in hell.

Like Dawson and Joey

I've been re-watching Dawson's Creek on Netflix instant and I keep having flashbacks to a high school dance where the guy I was dancing with whispered to me "I feel like I'm Dawson and you're Joey." So if you hear me cracking up in the middle of an episode I just remembered that line again.

Also, this guy was my friend's boyfriend.
Also, I did NOT want to dance with him but she insisted.
Also, I think Germana witnessed this whole event.
Also, said friend got pregnant by him when she was 17.

LOL

The great mail lady mystery

Back in the fall (Was it fall? Anyways, my point is - it's been a while) we noticed that our mail at work was being delivered to our box later and later. After calling the post office to find out what was going on we were told that we had a new mail carrier on our route so she was getting use to things. 

We spotted our mail lady on the sidewalk outside of our building sitting down having a smoke. It's stressful getting use to things, I understand but this was on a day when our mail was already really late. Megan snapped a picture and it now hangs above our mail key. (This was for our own personal amusement we did not give it to the post office).

The mail situation has not been improving. Mail is still often late and the other day we just didn't get any. This is not normal. We called the post office to investigate again and we were told that our mail lady didn't show up today. Great! So is anyone covering for her? Are we ever getting mail? This is why we should still use carrier pigeons.

Now our mail is getting here at a semi normal time BUT we're getting everyone else's mail too! Mail that does not have our company name, our floor number or even the right building. I was a little annoyed so I brought that pile down to the post office and politely told them that none of this was our mail.

What are the chances it just ends up back in our box? Bets, anyone?

Stick your face in things

Sorry, I really have no better title for this blog post.

I'm currently typing this while Mr. Binx sticks his face in the air conditioner and then jumps back when he realizes that there's something blowing out of there. He then tries again about 30 seconds later. You'd think he'd learn but then again if he could learn he'd be doing my laundry by now.

I was starting to think how this reminded me of my brother. When he was a baby my mom would put out the sprinkler and I would jump through it while my brother would sit there and let it spray him in the face. He'd look surprised for a moment and then do it again. Baby Chinese water torture, except he liked it. There are pictures to prove this. Maybe I should get him a sprinkler for Christmas.

Sticking your face in things is not a summer time event though. When I was a kid I would convince my friends that we should stick our faces in the snow and see who could last the longest. This was not a fun game. Once I figured this out I decided I would be the referee and make sure no one cheated. On a ski trip to Vermont I remembered this game and convinced Nate, Jackie and Dave to do this. Uncle Scott came out and asked me what was going on. I calmly replied that they were sticking their faces in the snow and I was making sure no one cheated. He shook his head and walked back into the house.

I'm thinking people like to stick their faces in things around me. I'd like to have a better persuasion power but you take what you can get.

I shouldn't rant about family but I'm going to

It recently came to light that my cousin has been stealing from her father (my uncle) and her step mother. My aunt has no reason to lie about this. My uncle and her have done a lot for my cousin and she turns around and steals tupperware and towels and who knows what else. What's sad is that my aunt and uncle would buy her those things if she asked. She is also completely denying it, trying to make my aunt look like she's a horrible person for accusing her. I mean what are the chances that my aunt is missing two light house towels and two of the same exact light house towels end up in the back of her closet?

Now she is complaining on facebook that her family has turned against her and is accusing her of "being a klepto". Why would my aunt and uncle make this up? There is no reason to. I have not said anything to her because we are not very close. I see her at family functions but we don't spend time together otherwise. I feel like if we were closer I would tell her to cut the crap and get some help. Stealing from your family is a big problem.

And what really drives me crazy? She told my aunt over the phone "well you have a lot of stuff anyways". My aunts response "well it took me 53 years to acquire all of my stuff".

I probably shouldn't be talking about this on my blog but I am dying to comment on her facebook status and can't. It would just cause problems and it needs to be worked out between her and my aunt and uncle. But it's killing me not to comment so at least I can write about it on my blog.

There, I think I got that out of my system.

Hip check. Brain function check.

So I came home a bit delirious from a Boston blogger meet up. I had to do laundry. Trust me I'd rather be sleeping right now. While I'm throwing laundry into my giant blue IKEA bag I turn on the tv and The Choice is on. The Choice is The Voice but less singing and more whore makeup. This show is just horrible and yet I kept watching. I started thinking about what I would say if I was trying to win a date from such famous folk as Pauly D.

Really I'm amazed that this crap exists on television and yet there I was watching Pauly D ask his ladies who their favorite DJ is. I need to cleanse my brain.

Laundry is almost done. I really hope I don't get stuck in my basement. The door is hanging on by one hinge but it's so heavy I have to body check it to get down to the basement. My small neighbor who sings in the shower kindly informed me that it was broken as I was hip checking it. Thank you small neighbor dude. I never would have figured that out on my own.

Mystery photo

I vaguely remember taking this picture Saturday night. I'm sure I found it really hilarious then.

You know what's funny? (and I'm being very sarcastic here)

So apparently the Valtrex that I've been taking for my lovely shingles is giving me a rash. I noticed it on my stomach first but now there's a spot on my legs and my neck. I knew it wasn't shingles because it looked different. It dawned on me that the rash started when I started taking the Valtrex and looking it up online a rash is listed as a possible side effect. I really find this whole situation pretty hilarious. Luckily I finished my last pill today so hopefully I will be rash free soon.

The shingles diaries

Well I'm pretty miserable. I had to call in sick today. I'm so uncomfortable it's hard for me to concentrate. I'm also on enough antihistamine to drug me to sleep most of the day. It does help with the itching. I just want to get better. I also want to wear pants again. My boss was really nice and called me today to tell me to take care of myself and if I have to take more time off to get better that I should do that. I feel guilty whenever I call in sick but pushing myself is not going to help me get better.

I should be flying to Vegas for Bloggers in Sin City but I couldn't afford it this year (due to a very large vet bill). I guess this is sort of for the best because going to Vegas with shingles would not be fun. I can't imagine the plane ride. I'm still upset about it. I probably won't check twitter until Monday because I'll cry. I have to go next year. I'll sell a kidney if I have to! I just have to think about how uncomfortable being in Vegas with shingles would be.

I have to be honest. I get really jealous when I see people I know going on all of these trips. I want to be that person. I want to be able to pay the vet bills and go to Vegas. I hope that one day I can do that. For now I'm just trying to pay off my credit cards and not scratch my butt. One step at a time.

Who even gets shingles?

If you follow me on twitter, you know that I have shingles. Really body? Isn't this an old person thing? Apparently not. I had chicken pox when I was about 4 or 5 so I thought that was that. Apparently the chicken pox lies dormant in the nerves and sometimes can come back as shingles. Enjoy everyone! You can get shingles too!

So I got a prescription for Valtrex, which apparently helps shorten the duration of chicken pox or shingles. I also have a very strong antihistamine called Atarax, which I have taken before and actually made me fall asleep mid sentence. Oh, and my doctor also suggested I get a donut to sit on until my butt clears up :|
I think I'll pass on the butt donut.

Thanks for all your well wishes. And I would suggest not touching my butt unless you want shingles.

Also, the scale at the doctor's office lies! I can't be that fat. I was wearing a cardigan on the scale which has to add something.

The great peanut butter mystery

I came home yesterday to my bathroom completely torn apart, which was expected. They had to rip out the old tub, shower, sink and one wall. What was not expected was the use of my peanut butter. I found a jar of peanut butter on my counter open with what looked like finger imprints in it.

The logical conclusion is that someone was hungry and ate my peanut butter. I'm ruling out the cats since they have no fingers and do not like peanut butter. That leaves the contractors. I don't even know what to say because it's so weird. Who just uses someone else's peanut butter? I'm too much of a wuss to ask. I threw it out because I'm not eating finger tainted peanut butter.

Today I have put a bag of pistachios where the peanut butter was left yesterday. I'm conducting a nut experiment to see if they get eaten.

There's something wrong with my tongue so I need to eat a burger

My tongue has been weird the past couple of days. First it kind of felt like there was sandpaper on my tongue. Then when I stuck out my tongue to investigate I noticed these weird spots where it looked like I had no taste buds. I was a little freaked out as one should be when their tongue looks like it has burned spots. I turned to Dr. Internet and I think I have figured out what's going on.

Geographic tongue.

I'm not making this condition up I swear. According to this official looking internet encyclopedia geographic tongue is "a map-like appearance of your tongue due to irregular patches on its surface". They are not sure exactly what causes it but they think it might be due to allergies and/or a B12 deficiency. You know what this means. Benadryl and cheese burger party!

It's fun times over here in my mouth. My tongue is swollen. There are teeth imprints on the sides of my tongue! I feel like I'm talking with cotton in my mouth. It also kind of burns like I ate some food that was too hot and it burned my tongue.

I will not post a picture because I'm sure there are some tongue pervs out there plus, no one really needs to see the inside of my mouth.

Ok, enough tongue talk - I'm off to eat a cheese burger. For my health....

Tips on how to be the best admin professional eva

Today is Administrative Professionals Day so if you are an admin you better demand lots of gifts. If you're worried that you might not be in the administrative professional spirit let me help you.

First - remember to smile.

It's really not that hard and will make you seem really professional.

Second - If you can't smile because you got too much botox or you just really hate your job then make a smile.

It's so easy and I'm so happy. You can't even tell the difference.

Now I'd like to share a list of people who I would gladly assist. 

Lady Ga Ga - you get to wear whatever you want to work and I feel like she would have a good stash of booze. You'd have to be ok with not wearing pants much because Ga Ga seems to frown on pants.

Bill Gates - Boring but he'd probably pay you a crap ton of money.

Jillian Michaels - I'd be ripped! She might yell too much though.

Devon Sawa - duh,  I mean he's my future husband so I'd have to meet him somehow.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day!!!

day pictures

Back in the saddle and it's scary up in here!

I signed up for Okcupid. I did it on a whim. I figured it wouldn't hurt to just see what's out there. Maybe I'll make some new friends, maybe I'll casually date or maybe I'll meet someone. Who knows. What I do know is that there are some horrible horrible user names on OKC. Dirtlip, LonelyMuscian, Boston (insert sports team here followed by a number). Knead2Love has to be Peeta, clearly.

Most of the guys on OKC are horrible. I'm not even kidding. I would say I only respond to 10% of messages because the other 90% are that bad. Between not even trying "hey wut up" to straight up perv "hey you want to _____ my ______" NO NO I DO NOT YOU NASTY.

I'm really scared that these guys are out in the world.

Of course not every guy on there is bad and I'm just on there for the heck of it. It's free, I'm bored, why not. Oh I know why not, because it makes me lose faith in man kind. I'm sure the woman on there are a special treat as well.

I've injested more shark than you.

I've been taking this herbal medicine for years but never looked at the ingredients closely. The list starts off pretty normal. There's some gelatin, olive kernel extract, soy - nothing out of the ordinary. Then I get to the end of the ingredients and see fish (shark). What? There's shark in this? How many sharks have I consumed over the years? This is very disturbing. I'm really sorry Jaws but I'm not going to stop taking this medicine because it actually really helps me. I am really fucked if I go swimming in the ocean. The sharks are either going to take their revenge or kidnap me while whispering "one of us!!!".

If you're curious, this is the medicine I take. One of these days I'll write a post about interstitial cystitis (or IC for short). You'll notice that this medicine costs $45.00 per bottle and I take 4 capsules a day. Shark ain't cheap.

Last night I went to sleep with a stomach ache. I'm pretty sure this is from the pixie stick Melissa gave me. I feel fine now but I guess shark doesn't go well with lots of sugar. We went to Chill for some frozen yogurt. I don't understand why this place has to sound like a club all the time. There were two young men across from me that were busting out some sweet dance moves. It was pretty funny because they were doing it like it was no big deal. Just eating my frozen yogurt in the club, nbd.

One of my blogger friends had her gmail and blog shut down for I don't even know what. She's freaking out that her blog might be gone and I really hope it's not. I would be freaking out if that happened to me. Just remember google that I'm part shark now. Don't mess with me.

Kelly's Roast Beef to close in Allston. Ginny dies inside.

Apparently Kelly's Roast Beef in Allston is closing. If you haven't been to Boston you are missing out on Kelly's. It is full of amazing deliciousness. According to the article they are closing the Allston location because sales are not what they expected.

You're going to make me go to Revere to get a roast beef sandwich? I'm am not going to Revere for a roast beef sandwich! There is no reason to go to Revere ever. Have I not eaten massive amount of sandwiches and onion rings? Come on Allston hipsters! Can't you stumble out of Great Scott drunk on PBR and shove a roast beef sandwich in your mouth? I don't care if your vegan this is important!

I am not a happy camper. I guess I need to make a Kelly's run before Sunday.